In hindsight, I still haven’t found the proper way for how to express this idea just yet, but you got to start somewhere…
Competition and Self Reflection
When you’re submersed in a population you’re familiar with, it’s easy to recognize so called “mistakes” other people make because it’s easy to see yourself in other people. What I’m learning is that when the opposite occurs – in other words, when you’re submersed in a population that completely clashes with your sense of normalcy – it’s really difficult to connect, and thus you’re alone with yourself.
In the former case (New York, for me) I can turn behaving righteously into sort of a game, and the competition of it makes it easier for me to feel content and good. Observing other people doing things with inevitable negative outcomes makes it easier for me to not repeat such behavior in my own life. Conversely, watching people I admire, pushes me to do more with my life.
But in the latter case, I’m left alone with myself (metaphorically speaking), and mistakes go unrecognized because of my ego and lack of setting. Aspirations are also harder to grasp for similar reasons.
Both cases leave me lost in my thoughts, and I end up getting caught up in these cycles of hate and angst due to my lack of regiment or comfort. Combine this with the lack of close relationships given the setting and you find yourself with no one to call you out of your own darkness.
The conclusion: when left alone with myself it’s easy to catch the self-conscious cabin fever; it’s something I’ve got to work on.